It's come to my attention...

Writing a blog is not like riding a bike...

I'll try anyways.

So, I've been on an interesting journey as of late. Destroying the mimicry of belief in christianity I had held onto for so long... Which left me with very little belief at all.. which sucks... I did have a thought today though...

Let me map my thoughts out to you...

"Man, last night was just weird... why do I get nervous around christians? I mean.. I'm never like that outside of a church setting..."

"Maybe you just don't want to be judged, and you feel like that happens more there, than other places"

"Yeah no... that doesnt even make sense... why would I think something that doesn't make sense?"

"Well... you are talking to yourself... er, myself... one of us..."

"Still, I don't think that's it... I mean, it could be it but... I dunno... Maybe it's because I want to fit in, and who I am now definitely doesn't fit in with what I believe christianity to be..."

"If that were true, then why would your strong christian friends treat you the same? They don't ever judge you..."

"Okay you know what? you're not helping..."

"I'm doing my best..."

"Hey I just had a thought! You know... I fully believe that there is a God out there, and that he is even a relational God... capable and even wanting (at times, at least) a relationship with us... So believing that, why do I care what Christians think?"

"Um... because some of those christians are your friends?"

"Right, I'm talking about like... I dunno, people that aren't my friends... I guess..."

"So then christianity doesn't even come into it when deciding whether or not to care if they judge you or not..."

"Hmmm, you're right... I think..."

"Here's the bottom line... you were refreshed from the trip to PA because of all the awesome people you met... the fact that they were christian worked only to allow realization that they aren't all pretentious, pious douche bags... What you need to do is pursue an intimate knowledge of God. If He's a relational Gd, He'll be there... And screw what other people say about smoking and drinking... until of course, you feel that God himself doesn't want you doing those things..."

"Intruiging..."

"Damn right it is..."

Dialog

I think I may perform this... Soon... Maybe at BLP...

~Dialog~

You stand in my shadow even before you see me
A tower
Powerful in the distance, resistance is futile.
Stay a while
Bend to my will, my plans for destruction. My instruction is as follows

Leave what you love
Give what you want to
Grieve for the sun
And remember what you thought you had
Accept who you are
Hate what I'm not
Cover your heart
And release what you fought to have

And to hold
Broken hands in the sky to blot out the image of me
You deny
My inevitability, my comfort and my embrace
My sinister validity
Sister of intimacy
Blisters from whispering
My name on your lips
While you sleep and slip
Into dreams that bring you back to screams and
Back to me attacking you

And

I awake.
I stand alone in this desert
With the sun in constant sunset,
Spreading your darkness over me
One more step.
And then another.

I am walking and you cannot turn me away
Not today nor tomorrow, borrow another's heart
You shall not have mine
I design to destroy you, I abhor you
My feet may bleed but I shall not ignore you
I will see her freed from you
And your shadow only gives me a marker
The darker it grows the closer you come
The harder the road the sweeter the prize
And there is no sweeter prize than freedom
In her eyes.

So stand in the distance and cast your shadow
Blot the sun now and await my arrival
For tomorrow
The clouds in the sky shall be from your funeral pyre

I'm back

That's right, Caleb's back... I think... We'll see. Should be good though. Nothing now... my head really hurts.

Vigilantism

I've been thinking about vigilantism recently... Thanks to movies such as The Boondock Saints, V for Vendetta and other such amazing films, my mind has been captured by the notion of an individual taking it upon himself to ensure that evil is dealt with as it deserves. What's God's view on this? Due to the state my mind is in (check out the last post) I wonder what God thinks about vigilantism. Would God disagree with someone taking OJ Simpson out? I know I know, "Vengeance is mine sayeth the lord". Well first off, that's what the bible says God tells us... Still not sure about scripture in general or it's place in our lives (scary, I know). Secondly, suppose killing OJ isn't a vengeful act! Suppose some guy takes what scripture says (he who lives by the sword shall die by the sword), and kills the guy?. The new testament seems to say that the government is to be in charge of punishing these people, but what happens when they fail?

This seems to be one of those blogs where I just come across as confused... It's cause I am...

I think I'm going to start working out... Caleb might be going down an odd path...

God vs. Christianity

I know there's a god... Okay so that's not true... I *believe* there's a god due to experiences I've had where my senses have been touched by an entity I believe is a higher power. Short version being: I have *felt* god.

So I have no problem believing in God... I just have a problem accepting a definition of this God from Christianity. Or rather, the church, who is supposes to represent him on Earth.

More on this later...

Cobly when? Coblynau!

Coblynau... Wikipedia's insights upon this odd word:

"Coblynau are mythical gnome-like creatures that are said to haunt the mines and quarries of Wales. They are said to be half a yard ( 1.5 ft) tall, and very ugly. Like Knockers, they are dressed in miniature mining outfits. They work constantly but never finish their task, and are said to be able to cause rockslides."

Did you see that last part? "work constantly". I feel like that's where I am right now, which is a good thing I suppose, since I'm planning on getting for my Ph.D before I reach the age of 28. I feel coblynauish for many reasons...

1. I feel small. In terms of how grandiose my desires are, and how Big God is going to have to be to get me there. I am (or feel), for lack of better words, 1.5 feet tall right now.

2. I feel ugly because I know my faults. I know them perfectly. Who better to know my failings than myself? I am... ugly.

3. I feel like I'm haunting this existence that someone else is more worthy of. This isn't where I belong, it's far to beautiful for me. A loving wife, a passion that I can turn into a career, friends surrounding me... Too emo? Maybe... moving on.

4. I can also create a rockslide... a rockslide that can destroy everything I'm working on right now... or at least bury it, so that I have to dig it out just so I can be at square one again...

5. the most important one... I am working constantly. On... everything. Marriage, work, planning for the future, more work, relationships... Everything. This isn't a bad thing. It's awesome... think... But yeah, I suspect that for the next... 8 - 9 years, I shall be a coblynau. Until I become a korrigan. But that's another post for another time...

Youtube of the week

It starts getting awesome around 3 minutes...